Ah, I had such plans for November - I was going to blog every day. I was going to do a photo-a-day challenge as well. I was not going to write a novel or knit an entire sweater. The two things I chose seemed like more than enough. In fact, they ended up being too much, as it is November 5th and I am writing my first blog post of the month. I haven't posted one photo this month, either, and probably won't post one today.
As you may know, I have been relentlessly pursuing self-care since our second oldest child was murdered earlier this year. With a vengeance would be an accurate way to describe this. Among the things I've tried:
- Lying on my Pranamat
- Monthly floating/sensory deprivation
- Psychic medium
- Chair massage
- Eating clean
Some of these things worked better than others, and some I still do. Yoga fell off the list due to the tendinitis in my elbow, and it's going back into the rotation soon, as I am feeling mostly recovered. The other kids and El Esposo have tried some of these things, but I'm the only one who is still working at it. And I actually started feeling like I was in a better place about this, especially after visiting the medium.
I knew Dia de los Muertos was going to be a difficult day. It's the first one since he died. But, I figured, it would be okay.
And then our two 15 year olds received the news that one of their peers had been beaten to death by another teenager at a party. It was an entirely one-sided fight, provoked when the victim accidentally bumped into his killer while attempting to help a friend who wasn't feeling well. This was unnecessary and tragic, and it never should have happened. It also made me realize that all the self-care was a waste, because this event dragged me right back to where we were months ago. I can imagine what that kid's family is going through, and it's incredibly distressing to think about other people in that situation and realize that there's not a damned thing I can do or say that will help them or make them feel any better. The benefit of our family having gone through a very similar scenario earlier this year is, well, nothing. There's no benefit at all.
I'm still struggling to find a way to make some sense of this, though that feels like a particularly futile pursuit.
I struggle to bite my tongue when someone asks how many children we have and El Esposo says four. I always say five. Only once has that led to something uncomfortable, when the person who asked me then continued to ask follow up questions about the ages of the kids and what they are doing. I told her the 19 year old was murdered this year. She was a bit surprised, but it all ended up being okay.
I have come to accept it as normal that, after I tell the kids that yet someone else has died, the youngest (who is 12) always needs to confirm with me that the person died of natural causes. That's his reality.
When I let my new co-worker (the other half our our two person team) know about this recent tragic event, her response was that was why she Never lets her 19 year old son go to parties. Apparently, it's just bad parenting that led to the death of these two teenagers. So, I've been schooled by a woman who was a single teenage parent, and who is letting this same 19 year old child move halfway across the country to be with his girlfriend, who he met online. I know that she is in no position to judge, and that she's rude and insensitive. She also did some stuff this week that was really, really inconsiderate and inappropriate. I'm comfortable with the idea that she's a sorry excuse for a human being, but her nonsense this week, combined with the long hours I've been working, has not left me in the best frame of mind as far as work is concerned.
Tomorrow, for the first time in four months, I am going to have the Sunday night blues thinking about the work week ahead. So much for my wonderful new job. Two months with my new coworker from hell and I'm ready to pack it in.
So, what's my game plan for November?
- Get my WIP's organized so that I can push to finish the ones that are so close to being done.
- Focus on Veterans' Day celebrations
- Remember the suffering of native people in this country instead of doing Thanksgiving.
- Get my head back in order - the two 15 year olds have a busy month and I need to be engaged in supporting them.
- Plan a day out with the four kids and El Esposo, so we can talk about our summer vacation plans.
- Keep sewing!
- Heading into the December/holiday season in a good place.
What about you?